Impotence is the inability to get or maintain an erection. Otherwise known as Erectile Dysfunction (ED) it's become less taboo since the discovery of Viagra and other similar drugs. An inability to get or maintain an erection is still a major concern to many men. While most men would not confide in their friends of such a problem, a great many will now, at least, visit their doctor and have a discussion about possible solutions.

Visit the doctor, please!
There are many causes of ED, and any man suffering from the problem should make his way to his doctor at the earliest opportunity. ED can be an indicator of other problems, for example medical research has uncovered that ED may be an indicator, some years in advance, of circulatory problems that lead to stroke or heart attack. ED does not cause this, it’s like an early warning system, and just because a man has ED it doesn’t mean he’ll have a heart attack. If a man’s ED is caused by a circulatory problem, that same circulatory problem might cause a stroke or heart attack in later years. So, visit your doctor please.

Causes of ED
These include stress, alcohol, prescription and non-prescription drugs, diabetes and depression, to name a few. Stress could be from work, or about money or because of relationship problems. Men who drink heavily can suffer from ED, not just that one night but also in the long term if the man is a consistently heavy drinker. Some prescription drugs can cause ED. Depression may cause a man to have ED or he may be reacting to the drug that he’s taking to cure depression. In short there may be many sources of ED, including the one we’re going to focus on: anxiety related ED.

It’s happened once…..What if it happens again?
Imagine the scenario: a man is unfit, overweight, stressed to the eyeballs at work, dog tired after a long weeks work and he’s had a couple of beers too many on the way home. Surprise surprise he struggles to get an erection and falls asleep. The next night he worries – what if it happens again? Anxiety and worry is insidious. Anxiety gnaws at us in the night, it creeps up on us in quiet moments and if it’s anxiety about getting an erection, is it any wonder that the fear becomes reality?

The subconscious gives us what we don’t want as well as what we do want
Can you remember a situation when someone said “Don’t spill that” or perhaps “Careful you don’t fall”? Did you immediately spill something or feel unsteady on your feet? Our brain will tend to give us what we ask for but it has an unhappy inability to cope with negatives. Someone saying “Don’t worry” immediately makes us worry. So as soon as a man thinks “I hope I don’t lose my erection” then losing his erection is increasingly likely. The brain focuses on the message “Lose my erection” rather than the key word in the sentence “don’t”.

Whatever caused the initial ED problem may not be what’s causing it now
A man may have been unable to get or maintain an erection through the stress and drinking analogy above. His anxiety that it might happen again can cause it to happen again, so from now on this man could have “performance anxiety” ED even though the original cause of ED was something else

Enough of the cause what’s the solution?
You can’t really find a solution to a problem unless you know the cause. So a visit to the doctor to narrow down the cause is a good first step for any man suffering from ED. It may well be that the doctor can prescribe an appropriate drug to solve the problem or may take the man off one form of medication and substitute another. Because anxiety can play a major part whatever the original cause of ED let’s consider how a man can rebuild confidence and gain strong erections in the absence of any prescription drugs.

Pleasurable lovemaking without an erection
Is it possible that a man could be a great lover without an erection? The answer is “yes”, on the basis that women appreciate many aspects of lovemaking other than penetration. A man can cause a woman to become highly aroused through foreplay. Many women adore Oral sex whether we define Oral sex as Foreplay or Sex (and how we label something has a great impact on how we feel about it, but let’s leave that for the moment). Many women have orgasms through stimulation of the clitoris by tongue, fingers or lips. Many women have very powerful orgasms through stimulation of the G Spot. None of these aspects of lovemaking require the man to have an erection.

Sexual satisfaction may come in different guises
A woman can be sexually satisfied by a man who brings her to orgasm manually, by fingers or mouth, or in ways others than penetration with the penis. If a man’s anxiety is that he cannot sexually satisfy his woman, he can be assured that any man with fingers, lips and tongue can give a woman sexual delight and satisfaction, especially if this is done in a loving, caring, deeply sensual way. So let’s separate penetration and lovemaking for a moment. A man with ED can practice sensual, non-penetrative lovemaking with his woman until he’s uncovered all sorts of ways of pleasuring her.
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Penetration may be wonderful for the woman, but it’s critical for the man
She’ll most likely prefer to be penetrated though it’s not everything, but it can be everything to the man. The man has done all that foreplay stuff, he’s aroused, she’s aroused, the moment has arrived. He awaits the erection with baited breath and…..it’s not there. It’s like watching a musical or an opera: there’s all the build up, the introductions to the characters the rousing musical fanfare, the leading man steps out in front and opens his mouth to sing and…..nothing happens. There’s no sound. Well lovemaking is NOT like that.

There is no set scene in Lovemaking where the man HAS to have an erection for the whole performance to be a success, or indeed for the whole performance to continue. If a man puts pressure on himself to get an erection at a specific moment then he’s putting unnecessary pressure on himself. The show may struggle to go on without the leading actor, but Lovemaking can go on whether the man has an erection or not. Does that make the erection less critical for the man?

How would it be if a man used his erection only when it arose naturally?
If the man with ED occasionally has an erection or a soft erection during lovemaking then he could use that erection naturally, as and when it arose, and not wish for it, worry about it, or quickly penetrate and worry about maintaining it. Like waves gently rolling further and further up a beach as the tide comes in, a man can use that erection briefly and withdraw, returning to sensual foreplay, then briefly penetrate again and withdraw again. The sensation of penetration followed by withdrawal and more foreplay, over and over again, is tantalisingly erotic for a woman.

He can use other triggers for her orgasm
Thrusting is not the only Orgasmic Trigger and neither is the “Freeze”. A man who maintains an erection for only 10 seconds, and who penetrates and “freezes” during that time, can still trigger a wonderful orgasm for her. So a brief erection, or one that’s semi-soft, can still have a great effect. If a man suffering from ED mistakenly believes his only method to fire off her orgasm is a strong, long lasting erection, then he’s putting himself under unnecessary pressure. A relaxed, sensual, loving approach, making use of whatever erection happens along the journey will be a much more satisfying experience for both partners.

A great book on ED
We recommend the book “Coping with Erectile Dysfunction” by Michael Metz PhD and Barry McCarthy PhD; ISBN 9 781572 243866. It’s packed full of common sense and with strategies for overcoming ED. Their message to “transform performance-oriented sex to pleasure-oriented sex” is one we completely support.
 

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Better Sex with the EROS Technique Lovemaking Video
Our Guide to Arousal, Foreplay and Giving her Multiple Orgasms...

The Freeze
Give women orgasms, men last longer too

Orgasmic Triggers
Physical and Verbal events to fire her orgasms

Penetrative Foreplay
Put her in a "Sensual Trance"